I am Not Perfect for A Reason

WHY? The biggest question that comes up when something bad happens. We start searching for the answer to that question and some directing it right to Elohim with a blaming attitude. So Why do we go through things and deal with sickness, heartache, loses, or addiction to think of a few.

I am not Perfect for a Reason. That would not have been come out of my mouth even a year ago. I have mental scars from many things that have been done in my past by others and me. The fact that it used to haunt me at night, and that I used to be an angry child.

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I was always wondering why I had to go through the stuff that I did, and why at a such age was expected to defeat such temptations at a young age. I didn’t understand at the time why I was allowed to feel such pain at a young age.So what was it that I go through as a child that makes me less perfect.

DIVORCE, a common practice that happen these days.  I lived with my dad and grandparents and was practically raised by my grandparents while my dad worked(which I didn’t see much of him). My mother was working and going to college and at the time  there was many things that happened between us in which I have fully forgiven. I let the PAIN of the divorce and actions that were taken to affect me a lot, making me an ANGRY child, which let me to bully my brother(he bullied me back by the way).

BULLIED for not being as smart as the other kids in my grade. I never had a pair of pants in 1st grade with out holes in the knees. I was also chocked in front of teachers and kids who were laughing. The teachers just thought it was all fun and games. When I decided that I needed to stand up to the bully which caused some fighting and I ended up being in detention.

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DYSLEXIA where I needed to be in extra reading classes, to be in special ed and to take test in separate rooms. While I was taking the special reading classes, my homeroom teacher took me out of math, which she didn’t tell my parents causing me to be behind on math for years.

PORNOGRAPHY, I was heavily addicted to it from 3rd grade to 6th grade. I fought it for years afterwards and deal with the aftermath of the mental effects. I later noticed that my mind was rewired, I know sounds weird but its true. I came across it when I was on the internet unsupervised. I was not warned about it and did not know what to do when I came across it. I didn’t tell anyone about my addiction for I was afraid of what my family was going to do, and I remember trying to get the nerves to tell my grandparents. My attitude and personality changed after I got addicted and my actions were being controlled by the addiction.

I have been controlled, manipulated, bullied and have been mentally and sexually assault. I dealt with the anxiety from those issues and needed to work through it which also took many years. I wasn’t just the person being hurt, I have also controlled, bullied, and lied to people. I noticed my actions were getting pretty bad and I tried to change away from that. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1_9

Why did I go through these things? When you think that Elohim gives us trials that we can only handle, in which I heard some say one time that he gives us trials that we can’t handle so we look to him for help.

I learned that what happens when I don’t forgive. I learned the dangers of pornography can do to a child. I learned what bullying does to people, I learned that my dyslexia showed me that if I work hard it opens many doors.

When you look at your life and wonder why things have happened?See what it has taught you and how it can make you a better person. See if there is something that your experiences can help others?

No Tribe, That’s Alright

You probably know that one person who seemed desperate for people to like him/her? Well, I was that person and as I look back it was embarrassing. I am also that person who can’t keep a long conversation with half of the friends that I stay in contact with anymore.

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It always has been tough for me to make friends and to keep them for awhile. Through my life I have had many people pass through my life just leaving a memory of what we had as a friendship. It was either a good thing that they were just passing through or something that I missed.

When I realized that I was losing friends and contact with people, I was sad and hurt but I think that It was the best thing for me. When I mean that I barely have friends, well I talk to about 2 or 3 people. Some of those conversations are barely a couple messages back and forth then radio silence for a couple months.

What caused the friendships to dwindle? Lets look at the General Reason.

  • I went to boarding school, and everyone doesn’t live remotely close to each other.
  • Going to college, everyone is finding their way in life. They are also busy with their own studies and work.
  • I got married young and had children. Less things in common if one does or doesn’t have kids.

The Personal Reason

  • I was annoying, desperate, and clingy
  • I wasn’t myself around any of the people since I was trying to impress people.
  • I didn’t know how to keep secrets
  • I talked so darn much that I actually forgot what I said and to whom, that got me in a lot of hot water.

Losing my friends did teach me a couple things that honestly I don’t think I would have learned otherwise.

I learned that I couldn’t be dependent(clingy) on people. That my friendships were not going to fill the void that I was dealing with. They weren’t going to help with my insecurities and to help me feel worthy, loved or accepted. Only Hashem was going to do that.

I learned to keep my darn mouth shut! I talked way to much that I would forget what I even said and to whom I said it to. I thought it was because my memory was slipping but it wasn’t and I know now that it’s better to shut up and listen. I also spilled secrets and ruined many of my friendships. I also would interrupt when it came to having a conversation, which showed I wasn’t listening or paying attention to the other people at all. I still like talking but its different now as I like to actually hear what the other person is saying and my conversations now have more meaning than before.

I was dealing with a lot of shit from my past and I would talk about it. I tried not talking about it constantly. I know having friends means they can help you deal with it but they were not the solution of fixing my issues. I had a lot of pain that I needed to deal on my own and it seemed that I was avoiding it all together. I was a talker that would cover superficial topics and it seemed that I wasn’t letting people really see the real me and the person that was hurting.

I was always trying to find ways to fit in with the crowd and trying to impress someone. I wasn’t actually myself when this happened. I think senior of high school, this was one thing that I was growing out of and started not caring what people thought of me. Which was great but I still needed to learn this especially when it came to social media.Friends aren't there to fill the void, to feel accept, loved, worthy. That is what Hashem is for. He gives you friends to enjoy life, to give advice and to be a shoulder to cry on.

How I am looking friends now, isn’t to fill a void, to be accepted, loved or worthy. Its because I want to have friends as before it felt like a need. I enjoy having friends to a good laugh, to have advice when needed, to be supportive on a new adventure but also be that to those that I become friends with. It took me a long time to realize that life isn’t a popularity contest and that I don’t need a lot of friends to enjoy life.

 

Social Media

I have 2 boys, the oldest is a 2 year old and the youngest is 2 months old. Each of those are independent to a point and normally don’t need mom for a lot of things but when my oldest wants me its when I am always “busy” on Instagram or Facebook. I thought that I would unload about Social Media about the good, the bad and the ugly.

Social Media

When social media was created in the early 2000’s (I was in elementary school), it was a place to connect to people that you normally don’t get to see on the daily basis. Before that was letters(I still like writing a letter to my grandma), phones calls, emails or you drive to see someone. I didn’t know what social media was until 2007 and that was when I got onto Facebook and Myspace, oh and a teen dating site.

It was a good concept for creating a social media platform, which was to connect with friends, family, co-workers and strangers you just met. You got to see family photos and updates that normally wouldn’t be able to get until a while later. You weren’t able to access social media without being at a computer that could connect to the internet at that time(sorry, no smartphones). So you still got out of the house and socialized with people without looking at your phones.

Now, we have smartphones with apps that you can check you social media accounts whenever you want., you take pictures and videos to upload so you can share to the world. It seems that everyone is on their phone checking notifications, liking pictures and post, tweeting about the next big thing, and seeing if your following is changing.

The Good

  • You can connect with family, friends, and strangers.
  • That you can share pictures and updates for family and the world about what is going on in your life.
  • It can be used to spread positivity, knowledge, laughter, and ministry
  • It can be used for business, ministry or just personal use.

 

The Bad

  • The bad thing is your opening up yourself for criticism and judgmental comments, which is normally what you don’t want.
  • It no longer feels authentic, you see more professional photos(anything that isn’t everyday life).
  • You are probably friends with people that seem to never let go of something, so you see it all the time on repeat.
  • Algorithm is messed up. I have around 300 friends on Facebook (I need to clean it up) and follow about 600 on Instagram and on both of them I see about 1/10 of the peoples post on any social media account.
  • Social Media is no longer just connecting, its for the ads and games, oh and tv shows (did we forget Netflix is out there). I don’t want to play Facebook game.

 

 

 

The UGLY

  • Judgement on overloaded to the point we don’t leave people alone.
  • We are longer content with what we have because we see what others have in pictures.
  • The Pressure of being perfect on Social Media can create self-esteem issues, body image issues and anxiety.
  • We don’t put the phones to just enjoy life around us. We don’t need photo’s to prove that we did something or videos that showed us having fun. Yes, its nice to have memories to look back on but once in a while its nice to disconnect.

Social Media and my Blog has become my ministry and business(non-paying side-hustle). I do this as an outlet but recently I have been so consumed with it that I forgot that I needed to focus on life. That my kids need me to be more present. I was getting frustrated over something that is not as important. Since my family is important. Social Media is used for good and bad and I hope that it isn’t consuming your life that you forgot what the Sky looked like.

My Road Blocks

When I started this blog, I was ready to share all my thought and ideas on a lot of different things in life. I felt it was a great outlet and maybe something the Yeshua was wanting me to do. I felt a pull to it and so I took a jump. Sadly, every time that I would start writing what could be a post on faith, motherhood, fitness/health or hard knock topics I would go completely blank. I would get half way through what I was going to talk about and then I hit a roadblock, I was frustrated and I almost gave up on being a blogger.

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love Elohim, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” - Romans 8_28

I started questioning everything to figure out what was stopping me to write for the blog.

Was it fear of critic or that people might get mad at me? Was it that maybe I’m not qualified to do to write? Was it that I felt that no one cared or even read my words?

All those are fears that were part of stopping me, I was letting my fears of achieving my dream. I felt pulled to do blogging and I was letting fear stop that and if I gave up it would be the biggest regret. I wouldn’t know where my thoughts and Ideas would go if I did just quite so I needed to find a way to get around this roadblock.

I thought that when I would admit that I was letting fear stop me from writing that I would just start writing again but it didn’t. It took me to admit that I was stopping myself, I was my own roadblock and worse enemy. I said that out loud to myself and dwelled on that thought for the rest of the day. When I sat down that night, I pushed myself to write one simple blog post and I didn’t give up. After I did that I was able to put my ideas, thought and opinions on paper easier than before.

I had to remember that my blog is my place to express myself, talk about my experiments and put out there my opinions, research and bible studies. Even though it might not reach people that I might like to do it doesn’t mean that there isn’t anyone looking at it. I am not giving up

Is there a roadblock in your life? Something that is stopping you achieving you goals or dreams in life? Do you feel called by Yeshua to do something but it seems that you can’t go anywhere with it? Don’t give up and keep pushing through and search for what that roadblock is and ask for help to remove it.

Young Country Mama