You probably know that one person who seemed desperate for people to like him/her? Well, I was that person and as I look back it was embarrassing. I am also that person who can’t keep a long conversation with half of the friends that I stay in contact with anymore.
It always has been tough for me to make friends and to keep them for awhile. Through my life I have had many people pass through my life just leaving a memory of what we had as a friendship. It was either a good thing that they were just passing through or something that I missed.
When I realized that I was losing friends and contact with people, I was sad and hurt but I think that It was the best thing for me. When I mean that I barely have friends, well I talk to about 2 or 3 people. Some of those conversations are barely a couple messages back and forth then radio silence for a couple months.
What caused the friendships to dwindle? Lets look at the General Reason.
- I went to boarding school, and everyone doesn’t live remotely close to each other.
- Going to college, everyone is finding their way in life. They are also busy with their own studies and work.
- I got married young and had children. Less things in common if one does or doesn’t have kids.
The Personal Reason
- I was annoying, desperate, and clingy
- I wasn’t myself around any of the people since I was trying to impress people.
- I didn’t know how to keep secrets
- I talked so darn much that I actually forgot what I said and to whom, that got me in a lot of hot water.
Losing my friends did teach me a couple things that honestly I don’t think I would have learned otherwise.
I learned that I couldn’t be dependent(clingy) on people. That my friendships were not going to fill the void that I was dealing with. They weren’t going to help with my insecurities and to help me feel worthy, loved or accepted. Only Hashem was going to do that.
I learned to keep my darn mouth shut! I talked way to much that I would forget what I even said and to whom I said it to. I thought it was because my memory was slipping but it wasn’t and I know now that it’s better to shut up and listen. I also spilled secrets and ruined many of my friendships. I also would interrupt when it came to having a conversation, which showed I wasn’t listening or paying attention to the other people at all. I still like talking but its different now as I like to actually hear what the other person is saying and my conversations now have more meaning than before.
I was dealing with a lot of shit from my past and I would talk about it. I tried not talking about it constantly. I know having friends means they can help you deal with it but they were not the solution of fixing my issues. I had a lot of pain that I needed to deal on my own and it seemed that I was avoiding it all together. I was a talker that would cover superficial topics and it seemed that I wasn’t letting people really see the real me and the person that was hurting.
I was always trying to find ways to fit in with the crowd and trying to impress someone. I wasn’t actually myself when this happened. I think senior of high school, this was one thing that I was growing out of and started not caring what people thought of me. Which was great but I still needed to learn this especially when it came to social media.
How I am looking friends now, isn’t to fill a void, to be accepted, loved or worthy. Its because I want to have friends as before it felt like a need. I enjoy having friends to a good laugh, to have advice when needed, to be supportive on a new adventure but also be that to those that I become friends with. It took me a long time to realize that life isn’t a popularity contest and that I don’t need a lot of friends to enjoy life.