No Tribe, That’s Alright

You probably know that one person who seemed desperate for people to like him/her? Well, I was that person and as I look back it was embarrassing. I am also that person who can’t keep a long conversation with half of the friends that I stay in contact with anymore.

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It always has been tough for me to make friends and to keep them for awhile. Through my life I have had many people pass through my life just leaving a memory of what we had as a friendship. It was either a good thing that they were just passing through or something that I missed.

When I realized that I was losing friends and contact with people, I was sad and hurt but I think that It was the best thing for me. When I mean that I barely have friends, well I talk to about 2 or 3 people. Some of those conversations are barely a couple messages back and forth then radio silence for a couple months.

What caused the friendships to dwindle? Lets look at the General Reason.

  • I went to boarding school, and everyone doesn’t live remotely close to each other.
  • Going to college, everyone is finding their way in life. They are also busy with their own studies and work.
  • I got married young and had children. Less things in common if one does or doesn’t have kids.

The Personal Reason

  • I was annoying, desperate, and clingy
  • I wasn’t myself around any of the people since I was trying to impress people.
  • I didn’t know how to keep secrets
  • I talked so darn much that I actually forgot what I said and to whom, that got me in a lot of hot water.

Losing my friends did teach me a couple things that honestly I don’t think I would have learned otherwise.

I learned that I couldn’t be dependent(clingy) on people. That my friendships were not going to fill the void that I was dealing with. They weren’t going to help with my insecurities and to help me feel worthy, loved or accepted. Only Hashem was going to do that.

I learned to keep my darn mouth shut! I talked way to much that I would forget what I even said and to whom I said it to. I thought it was because my memory was slipping but it wasn’t and I know now that it’s better to shut up and listen. I also spilled secrets and ruined many of my friendships. I also would interrupt when it came to having a conversation, which showed I wasn’t listening or paying attention to the other people at all. I still like talking but its different now as I like to actually hear what the other person is saying and my conversations now have more meaning than before.

I was dealing with a lot of shit from my past and I would talk about it. I tried not talking about it constantly. I know having friends means they can help you deal with it but they were not the solution of fixing my issues. I had a lot of pain that I needed to deal on my own and it seemed that I was avoiding it all together. I was a talker that would cover superficial topics and it seemed that I wasn’t letting people really see the real me and the person that was hurting.

I was always trying to find ways to fit in with the crowd and trying to impress someone. I wasn’t actually myself when this happened. I think senior of high school, this was one thing that I was growing out of and started not caring what people thought of me. Which was great but I still needed to learn this especially when it came to social media.Friends aren't there to fill the void, to feel accept, loved, worthy. That is what Hashem is for. He gives you friends to enjoy life, to give advice and to be a shoulder to cry on.

How I am looking friends now, isn’t to fill a void, to be accepted, loved or worthy. Its because I want to have friends as before it felt like a need. I enjoy having friends to a good laugh, to have advice when needed, to be supportive on a new adventure but also be that to those that I become friends with. It took me a long time to realize that life isn’t a popularity contest and that I don’t need a lot of friends to enjoy life.

 

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