Its Mental Health Awareness Month and I thought that I needed to talk about my Battle with Anxiety. When I noticed it and what it did to me!
“You’re a failure, your worthless, useless, dumb, a joke to others, ugly, no good for nothing. You can’t sing, you have no talent, you don’t know how to do anything. You will be only good for factory jobs you will never be able to do anything more than that. I am not a good mother, I shouldn’t be staying home. ”
I remember my brother called one day asking what I wanted to take home, while I was on a senior trip. We lived at a boarding school and I was going to be graduating after coming back from our trip. I told my brother to take what was in the closet but I forgot to tell him not to take my graduation dress, it was a dress that I made with my step-mother and I was proud to have helped with it. I lost my phone while I was on the trip and wasn’t able to call my parents when ever I needed so I didn’t wasn’t able to ask them to bring it back to school.
When my step-mom found out that my dress got sent home and that I had nothing to actually wear for my graduation.I was getting blamed for the dress even though that it was a complete accident but it wasn’t treated as such. I left the room that my parent were staying in and went outside thinking that I would be able to get a break.The fight was taken outside and many people saw me explode. I was embarrassed and angry. That was one of the first times I remember thinking there was something not right with me, and it was all the thoughts that started running through the mind and the breakdown that I had, that people saw.
It took me a half a year later when I really exploded at my father, I wanted to change to something different for degrees. I realized that I needed to either do my generals or something that I actually enjoy. I told my father that I was deciding to do this, and since I was told after graduating from high school that I can change my degree once if it didn’t work out for me. In that truck on the way when I told my father this that I wanted to change, I was told that he was paying for my degree that I needed to finish. I was felt that I had no control in my life and that I was angry. It took my new Ipod to drop on the ground after getting out of the truck to really explode. He thought I was crazy!
I stayed with that degree and was having a lot of anxiety attacks in my welding booth, enough that a teacher knew that I was having issues. I didn’t get my degree but have my certification. My husband and I payed off my school debt and my parents even when said that they would did not touch my debt.
Like those incidences I would have an attack in front of others but other times my body and mind could tell that I wasn’t doing well that I would head to take a shower. In that shower my mind would reel with nasty negative thoughts that were false but would make me cry for a long time.
After doing research on different things that sounded like what I was having and found out about anxiety. The symptoms kind of match but I thought that I needed to completely matched with what would seem like the anxiety described. I was in denial for awhile on what I was dealing with. Finally, I admitted that it was anxiety that I was dealing with that, it didn’t stop it from having attacks. I just knew that I wasn’t crazy!
It was silent for everyone else around me but it wasn’t after awhile to me. It was tough to live with false thought about myself. I didn’t make friends and kept up with ones that I had make because of my anxiety. I believe those thoughts that were going in my mind which was destructive to my confidence and my attitude.
It stopped me from achieving so much, and going into degrees that I would have been able to use. I would explode at people that deserve it and I almost ended my relationship when I was dating my husband. At that time my husband knew that I was dealing with anxiety and that I would explode like this and he stuck with me no matter how much I seemed crazy.
After figuring out that I was dealing with anxiety, I wasn’t able to figure out how to actually deal with it in the best possible way. To even conquer some of it so I can live my life in the best possible way. It took me a long time to actually get somewhere where I was living life without feeling like I was going to “crazy”.
I will be talking about in the next post about what caused my anxiety and what helped me to deal with it and to even conquer some of it. All without medication!
Young Country Mama