“From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalms 61:2
I didn’t realize that when I became a stay at home mom that I would be able to overcome something that held me back in life. I am so grateful for the trials that Yeshua has put me through in this job. That postpartum depression helped me overcome the majority of my anxiety. Recovering from my postpartum depression showed me my potential that my husband said that he saw in me but was hiding.
As long as I remember I dealt with anxiety, the thing is I thought it was just being a teenager. I do believe that with our society, the pressures in life that anxiety in teenagers are very common. You don’t really know that someone is dealing with anxiety when you are looking at them, and no one realized that I was dealing with it. My anxiety fed of my insecurities that were caused by many things.
My insecurities came from being bullied, dyslexia, looking at pornography, being compared to others constantly, expectations of my parents and my parents divorce. Those things caused me to believe that I wasn’t smart, a constant failure which made me think that I wasn’t going to mount to anything. I didn’t feel like I was worthy, strong or beautiful, and that I wasn’t my own individual with my own thoughts or opinions. I felt that I was going to let everyone around me down, that I wasn’t going to make anyone happy. I also was dealing with my parents divorce in all the wrong ways, being placed in situations that weren’t healthy.
When my husband and I were dating I was doubting why he wanting anything to do with me. I almost let my insecurities to ruin my relationship that was wonderful. I am glad that I didn’t end it over my anxiety or insecurities and that we are happily married with a wonderful little man that destroys my home.
I didn’t know how to beat my anxiety and some days I would doubt that I was dealing with it because it wasn’t even there until it would hit me in the head. I dealt with it until I started having postpartum depression and I will say that wasn’t fun. My postpartum depression emphasized my insecurities that did start showing through compared to the anxiety. I felt that I was paralyzed and that was a constant fog. I did realized that I was dealing with the depression that I knew that I needed to take control of it.
Going to the gym helped me deal with anxiety to a point before getting pregnant, so I decided that was the first thing that I was going to help both the postpartum depression and the anxiety. Some of the challenges that my son put me through like weaning him helped me gain my determination and will power that I didn’t have for a long time. Joel and his family helped me by letting me speak my mind showing me that I do have my own thoughts and opinions. My husband didn’t compare me to any other girl that he had in his life or someone that he sees on TV, which also helped me feel like I was my own person.
When I started taking care of my home like a homemaker, I saw myself as a boss. I was able to see my potential. My son depends on me to take care of him and love him like he needs, even though some days I am not doing my best but I don’t feel like I am a failure. My son doesn’t have a preconceived of what I should be as a mom, he also doesn’t seem that he certain expectations that I have to meet. I started doing welding again and creating DIY projects did show that I was pretty good at many things that I thought I was just a failure. When it came to certain situations I was able to handle the stress.
I started seeing so much of what my husband saw that I was no longer doubting why he wanted to marry me. I started seeing that I was beautiful, strong, smart, and worthy. I started seeing that I had determination, will-power and fierceness. That I did have skills and talents that felt like I was no longer trapped in a small box.
I have been through many jobs that I had to be part of a team, sticking to a schedule and answer to a boss. I did do many jobs at one place but nothing compares to being a stay at home mom that have do so many jobs packed into one. This job is pretty hard and my only charge is a two year old that will start whining for no reason, and demanding for everything that he can’t have. I have to balance motherhood and being a homemaker. I am very proud of being a Boss!
Young Country Mama