This a tough Blog post that I haven’t been able to write in a while but I look at my notebook and I found it. Every women has a different story than the person next to them. I thought that someone else wrote about this already that I shouldn’t share what I went through. The thing about my story is that it is different than the other one you read, because I am not the same as that person.
Its hard when you lose your determination, will-power, confidence, sociability, love for things and always constantly trying to find something that you lost like your purpose in life. Well I dealt with all that the first year of being a mom, making my transition into motherhood and stay at home with my son very tough. I thought that something was off with me but I didn’t know what, I searched about Postpartum Depression and it seemed that I didn’t fit in the description so I didn’t think I have it. Instead I thought that I was just going through a phase in life and that maybe this is what it is like to be a mom.
Always in a Fog! Always unprepared, inadequate, worth-less, and not enjoying what was before me or life in general. I didn’t want to commit suicide and I didn’t stop loving my husband, I was just constantly frustrated. I loved my son and was overjoyed by the fact that God gave me such a precious gift that grew so fast that I couldn’t keep up. I did smile when he did and I was always happy that he was my son, but I felt like a constant failure. I didn’t know how to get him from one milestone to another, I didn’t know how to play with him. I was starting to hate breastfeeding because he always kept eating. It was a smooth transition for some parts of my life, I was able to take showers and make sure I had some clean clothes but the house around me was just a disaster. I was always sitting in the chair looking up on Pinterest in how to play with your kid or sleeping/feeding schedules that might help me out, which none of the worked.
I wasn’t eating healthy meals, I was drinking 3 to 4 cans of Dr. Pepper a day and going to fast food restaurants for lunches to get out of the house because I felt cooped up. I wasn’t going to the gym and I was blacking out more times that I should. I was crying over the fact that I just couldn’t do it. I felt that I was never enough for anyone, that I should just give up on a dream that I wanted for so long. I started shopping to help cope with my loneliness, I didn’t have a lot of friends I could relate with and didn’t know how to make any mom friends. When I started going to the gym to help me both physically and mentally, I just started taking the mini birth control pill. It was great knowing that I was not getting pregnant but the side effects made my depression foggier. I was already feeling like I was a complete failure, that I wasn’t the right person for the job or that maybe I should put my son in Daycare. I wasn’t taking care of myself in any way. Even though started to cut down on some of the bad habits but other things took its place. For the time that I was taking the pill I felt like I was always in a fog not able to get out of it in anyway.
I was constantly worry about everything and making situations bigger than it was already was (they were very small). I started to back away from things that I loved and I wasn’t enjoying motherhood even though that was what I wanted in life. I went to a wedding in the summer and even though I was pretty decent at the time I wasn’t just feeling out of place but I didn’t enjoy the wedding like I normally do. I felt constantly guilty that I was part of something that my husband was forced to take care of our child for long periods of time. As time went on for months I became more secluded, hating being sociable, I was spending more money and eating so much more. I stopped going to the gym and I was getting be unhealthy which cause me to get very sick. I also stopped letting people watch our son unless I needed to go grocery shopping.
The family doctor noticed at my son’s appointment that something was off with me, I was offended that he thought I wasn’t doing well because I didn’t realized that I was really not myself. His solution was to go out on a date with my husband and to start supplement formula in my sons diet. My son at the time was still on demand for nursing and he was eating a lot of food. The thing is going out on a date with my husband was mental hell for me, I couldn’t enjoy myself at all.
That date showed me something and that I wasn’t right. I wasn’t myself in anyway and that I needed to get help or start figuring out what works for me, that I needed to take care of myself mentally and physically. The sickness that I had right before that date, showed that I was so unhealthy that I was on antibiotics and I wasn’t able to eat anything proper.
- I felt like I was in a constant fog, or in a rabbit hole that I couldn’t get out
- I couldn’t enjoy anything, even a wedding that I was waiting to be apart of. I felt like I was constantly failing at everything
- I felt like I wasn’t meant for motherhood, and that my son was better off at daycare
- I was no longer wanting to be sociable· I stop letting people watching my son unless once in a great while.
- I stop going to the gym· Every little situation was made into something huge even when it was nothing.
- I was always sitting around, either watching tv, playing on my tablet or reading a book, nothing around the house was getting done and I stressed over that.
- The mini birth control pill · Stop going to the gym· Stop letting people watching my son and not getting out of the house with my husband.
- I kept looking at Pinterest or the Web for every solution
- Didn’t rely on God
I was no longer myself, I lost all my determination and will power. I was no longer confident in myself in how I can manage life or how I looked. I went from being extrovert to a introvert. I was feeling useless and worthless as a mom.
What Helped me
- I started going to the gym for 3x a week, it got me out of the house and spending time with my husband.
- I got off the pill, which instantly lifted the fog that I was living in.
- I started slowly weaning my son.· I stopped looking at Pinterest or the web for everything.
- I looked for SAHM Youtube Motivation
- I started cleaning my home, in a process. I needed to take care of my home along with taking care of my son, husband and myself.
Each depression or anxiety has different symptoms for each person, that you might deal with it differently or how it has shown up in your life. Even though I didn’t fit in the box with my Postpartum Depression I still had it. The doctor recently told me when I explained a lot of what I dealt with was that I was going through was Postpartum anxiety, but I don’t think I would have felt the way I did if it was just anxiety. How each person deals with it is also different.
After going through all that I have been a lot stronger than I was before. Sometimes you can’t get me to shut up, Social life is back. I also don’t feel inadequate maybe I just feel like I struggle with each step but who doesn’t struggle. I have determination and will-power and oh that confidence well it is there making me feel that I am a wonderful women, wife and mom. I am glad that I didn’t give up on this dream of mine and I do love motherhood. I think going through this isn’t ideal and I hope that when my second son comes around that I don’t go through it again but in the end I am a better person. Proving that I can’t give up on myself while being a mom and that I am also worth the fight.
Young Country Mama